What Are You Really In Love With?

We have all been in love with what could be instead of what exists right in front of us. It’s a hard concept for some of us to realize and sometimes, it is even tougher to let go of that concept because it becomes so real in our lives.

In my last relationship, I never realized the type of love my boyfriend and I really had. I thought we had the passion — that connection everyone dreams to have —, but looking back, I realize that false image was holding me onto a love that was not fulfilling my needs. I was in love with what could be instead of what really was.

I loved the idea of what we could be because my boyfriend sometimes revealed small glimpses of an amazing potential relationship, even though about 80 percent of the time, it was not a positive experience. I fell in love with the idea of those glimpses. I imagined that if he just did this or if he just changed that, everything would align and be perfect.

Two years later, I found myself still in love with those ideas, with more and more tears because it never became what could have been.

I told my friends about the simple things he did to show he cared. Since they were rare, when they happened, I wanted to prove that I had a great guy, regardless of what they thought. In reality, those little things should have happened regardless; they should not have been rare.

In a way, I was trying to prove that my friends were wrong about my boyfriend and simultaneously convince myself that I was right about him, too. I was trying to justify staying with a guy I loved, despite the fact that he only showed that he loved me part-time.

If you ever find yourself justifying your man’s actions or not wanting to share the truth about things he has said or done, chances are, you are in love with his could-bes. If you cling to every good thing he does until he does something else nice or brag-worthy, chances are you are in love with the “could be.”

I think that at least at one point in our lives, we all find a connection with someone who makes us feel something special, so we stay. But, we stay for all the wrong reasons and sometimes, it is only because of what could have been.

When we love someone, it is so easy for us to ignore what is missing and hold on to what is there or what could be there. It is our nature to want to see the best in people, and being in a relationship is no different. In fact, relationships may make that natural response even worse.

The love of what could have been is something that blindsides so many of us. You will not understand this concept until you finally realize one day that maybe, what you have been dealing with is just not for you anymore.

This is hard to realize because in the presence of intermittent “good stuff,” it can feel like a premature failure. You truly believe that if you hang on a little longer, all those could-bes will become real life. Then, another year passes by without any change. When do you decide to stop? When does reality finally outweigh the could-bes?

I, for one, took a long time to realize the difference. It's been a roller coaster ride and I guess I'll never really know when I'll truly overcome the fear of losing someone who I once thought meant the world to me. But maybe time will tell. And maybe, without realizing, with or without him..

I am getting better.

I am… okay.

:)

Back to Square One

I used to tie this song to you.
I thought I would never have to relate to this song again.
I guess now I'm back to square one.

Yet again.

Will I Ever Find This?

"I hope you fall in love
With someone who always texts back and never lets 
You fall asleep thinking you’re
Unwanted.
I hope you fall in love with someone
Who holds your hand during the scary parts of
Horror movies and burns
Cookies with you when you’re 
Too busy dancing around the
Kitchen.
I hope you fall in love with
Someone who sees galaxies in your eyes
And hears music in your
Heartbeats.
I hope you fall in love with someone who
Tickles you and makes you smile
On hard days and on easy
Ones.
But beyond all that I hope
You fall in love with someone
Who will never leave you behind
And who will never take you
For granted, someone who
Will stand by you when you’re
Right and stand by you
When you’re wrong,
Someone who has seen you at your worst
And has loved you 
Still.
I hope you fall in love
With someone who
Kisses you in the rain
And hugs you in the cold and
Wouldn’t have you any other
Way."

Anime Expo 2014

Pic stolen from Dania

Working at con was probably one of the best decisions I ever made. I am forever changed by the energy I get from my cosplay department and all the positive aura from everyone at con that leaves me glowing with joy for 5 days in a row. It's probably been the best week of my summer and I've made friendships that I know will last for a long, long time. People who've shared joy and pain, the ones I know I can count on and want to keep in my life.

I've learnt that the people you surround yourself with makes a difference in your life, make sure you choose the ones who give you a ton of positive energy.
I've learnt that it is possible to form the tightest knit friendships with people you just met.
I've learnt that working at con is a truly fun job, stressful- as it is STILL a job- but overall better than anything I could ever ask for.
I've learnt that everything will be *low voice* "fiiiine"

I've learnt that there are two types of people, people who don't give a shit and people who will take notice. Whether right or wrong, make sure you do what you want and the right people will fall into place.

I have learnt so much about responsibility, sewing, cosplaying, putting on a wig, customer service and have been bonding so much with my coworkers in the last five days.
They were such a huge part of my life that waking up today without them feels like a big chunk of myself has been taken away.

Much feels. Such emptiness. 

If you don't already know, I'm having post-con withdrawals.

I'm Rich!

I'm a billionaire!!

Is this real life?

No srsly tho..

Did this actually happen?!

I spent it all in an hour. Dw, I'm still a millionaire :p

One Crazy Step At A Time

In a perfect world, what would you do? Who would you be?

I've had people asking me this many times,
and it is this very question that persistently rings in my head time and time again.

"What makes me happy?"

and every time I find myself listing a bunch of things I enjoy doing, there will be a million more reasons why I shouldn't go through with that.
My biggest mistake is to ask for someone else's opinions before doing something that I really wanted to do. Why?
90% of the time I would most likely get discouraged and not follow through.

It was then that I realized the real question would be..

"What is stopping you?"

Fear.

Fear of failing. Fear of rejection. Fear of ridicule. Fear of criticism. Fear of not being good enough.

At least, those are mine.

I've made a resolution to be a better person this Summer. Someone who follows my dreams and does the impossible, even if I have to be my only supporter in things like this. After all, I can only get better, and everyone is bound to start somewhere. Should I not be able to follow through, at least I'd be proud to say that I've tried my best.

I have a lot of ideas and a lot of hobbies that I plan to see come to life this holiday. I'm facing my fears heads on and I guess I can't make a list of achievements until the end of Summer, but I definitely will. I plan to conquer at least 10 big things I've always wanted to do (but have always been afraid of), and facing my more smaller scale fears on a day to day basis.

Writing this down and publishing it to the world is my promise (and some pressure) I'd like to give to myself that I'd follow through with this. I'll leave it to you guys to judge how well I do ;)

Until then,

xoxo 

Princess Syara

2 Years

Sometimes I look back at all the things that has happened, what has changed and what remains.

And I suppose this is why I love taking videos.

It gives me the ability to freeze time and capture my memories,

so I could relive any moment again and again.

I guess you could sort of call it like eternalizing things that you hold dear.
People may change, time moves forward and never stops,

but the people in the video will always be as they once was, as you remembered it.

Only much clearer.