Tuesday, June 5, 2018

To My Dearest Princess Shea


To my dearest angel,

Hello Shea-bee. I never thought I'd write a letter to you, of which I know you'll never read, but I hope with this, I'll learn to sort my feelings in a healthy way and I hope to immortalize what I feel for you in black and white.

We first picked you up from the airport sometime in 2009. It was my 16th birthday, and oh, what a joy it was to have you come in as part of the family. I have always wanted a cat, a best friend, a little furry friend to call my own, and I have spent countless days researching the best breed for our family. After a lot of back & forth emails with Marie from the Miakoschka cattery, we flew you in from Australia.

My sweetheart,

From the first time I saw your picture, I knew you were special. The days counting down to the day I could take you home were the few most exciting days of my life--visiting pet shop after pet shop, choosing the best foods, toys, cat trees, anything for my new baby. Anything to keep you happy.

When you arrived and snuggled up to me for the first time, my heart swelled with joy. You were MY baby. This was real, it was happening. You were a little nugget, a little squirrel, running around our home, with big curious eyes and the pinkest little nose. You were more beautiful than I could ever dream of! You were.. ours. I couldn't have been any more grateful.

On your first night, you cried yourself to sleep. It must've been tough, flying in by yourself, and then having to spend the whole night alone without your brothers and sisters in the same litter you were born in. That's ok baby, it was only your first day. The second day we were playing chase, and you fell down the stairs. Possibly hurt your head, I couldn't forgive myself for that day. You were timid as ever because of that. We blocked off the openings to the stairs and I promised I would never let anything hurt you, ever again.

We spent 9 very happy years together. Every year on your birthday, I made sure to do something special. Rare steak? Salmon? Whatever gourmet meal for you baby. Toys galore, let's play all day.

When I had a tough day, you would jump onto my bed and cuddle me for hours. When I was feeling sad, you were right there by my side. You'd never let anyone else touch you, carry you, yet you always found a place between my arms. I loved you so very much and there has never been a single day that I thought any other cat could fill my heart the way you did.

Pretty soon though, I got accepted into college 8000 miles away. We'd be far apart.
Oh baby, you don't know how much I've missed you while I've been away.
I would've taken you with me if I could, but I knew you wouldn't be able to handle yet another long flight. I couldn't do that to you.

When I came home for the holidays, you were right there by the front door. Always greeting me, and then following me everywhere I went like a little puppy. 
Whenever I bought something new, you were always so curious and would sniff it, then rub your head against everything because it was "yours" now.
"What's yours is all mine", is your motto. Take everything, babygirl. Whatever is mine belongs to you.

You were the sweetest little girl. 
Never biting cables & wires, never going to places you shouldn't fit into. 
Always using your litterbox, holding your pee in while we go to bed at night, and only doing it when the door was open in the morning as you run downstairs towards your food bowl for breakfast.
I'd stroke you as you ate, and sometimes you'd eat from my hands.

It's almost like a routine.
Cuz once you were full, your ears would twitch and you'll swat my hands with your little paws- signalling it's time to play.
You loved plastic zipties, and would jump so high to catch them.
When you get tired, you'd flop on your back, for belly rubs for days.
When you wanted alone time, you'd jump into the sink, patiently waiting for the magical cold water to come down.

All the little joys in your life,
from sitting by the windowsill waiting for me to come home,
to cuddling me and stopping me from getting ANY work done,
you weren't just a cat.
You were more than that.
You were my best friend.
You were the best, most well behaved little angel, I've ever had the pleasure to raise and grow up with.

Fast forward, 9 years later. I have been away since 2013. 
I've had 4 years of waking up with you right by my side everyday.
And another 6 of being away from you.

I'm coming home, baby. Just two more months and I'll be home.

But I was alerted that you don't have much time left.
Somewhere along the way, from not drinking enough, or eating too many kibbles,
your kidneys started failing.
You were hurting, not being able to control your bladder.
You went in and out from the vet's office, always crying, then completely passing out with each visit.
You were weak and in pain.

And my worst nightmare?

I wasn't there for you through any of it.

I must confess. I adopted a kitten for a while, but I had to let him go in just 2 short weeks.
He wasn't you. He wasn't the sweet angel that I know. I loved him, but I couldn't take care of him.
I kept comparing, and it wasn't fair.
Nothing could fill my heart the way you did, babygirl, he was not my Shea.

Just a couple days ago, I received more news from my parents.
"The doctor tells us we should start making the decision of when to euthanize her.
She's in pain.
We're only prolonging it.
Every subcut we'd have to send her to, she gets weaker and weaker.
It's starting to get really expensive and we just.. We have to let you know".

Those were the most painful words I ever had to hear.

2 years, baby.

The last time I saw you was in 2016.

It's been 2 years since I've seen you.
I wasn't able to watch you grow. I wasn't there for when you got sick.
It really got me thinking, no matter how big my dreams and career was,
I couldn't be spending more time away from my loved ones.

I don't want to live with the regret of never seeing them, before they get sick and disappear forever.

I knew death was inevitable,
but for what it's worth, for what you can handle, I will fight for you till your last breath, Shea.
I want you to be okay.

Just 2 months baby, hang in there for me please.
It's a head vs heart battle everyday, because I just want you to
keep fighting.
For just 2 more months.
I can't let you go. I'm not ready, I don't want to.
Not before I can hold you in my arms again, apologize and tell you how much you mean to me.

But this is selfish.
& I know if you're hurting, I shouldn't prolong it, no matter my feelings.

You are more than just a cat, Shea.
You were my emotional support animal. And family.
You were my family.

And if time comes, that we really have to say goodbye,
That you get too weak to handle these weekly clinical visits and all the shots,
That your body gives up and you whimper your very last little meow,
I hope you'll forgive me.

I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart.
That I am so, so sorry.

For not being there with you while you were in pain,
while you spend days crying with every injection
every surgery
every scary vet visit,
that I wasn't there for you.

I love you very much, my angel.

You will always be a big part of my heart, and I want the very best for you.
Even till your last breath.

Rest easy,
Princess Shea Miakoschka.

You will always be my biggest love.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Insecurities

Lately I feel like I've been bombarded with insecurities.
Call it that time of the month, but I'm sure things like this don't only occur to me, but to everybody on a daily basis.
.
.
And I just want to say, that it's completely normal.

We all want some form of validation, some form of acceptance, especially when it comes from the people we really care about. This is why it's important to be kind, understanding and choose the right friends that will support you and have your back through the good and the bad.

Friends who love you, laugh with you, but know when to tell you off when you're being a bitch so they can put you in your place.
Friends who give you a shoulder to lean on without being judgmental when you need to cry, and give constructive unbiased advice when you ask for it,
and at the very least share a listening ear when you don't want to hear it and just need to vent.
Someone who doesn't make you feel alone when you're in a room full of people,
Someone who allows you to be yourself.

I have always been the type of person that's generally pretty friendly. I get along with people easily, but it doesn't necessarily mean I trust them with everything that I have. It's not that I'm saying you shouldn't be too trusting, but being naive like that gets you nowhere.

Yes, I am telling you to be picky with who you're friends with.

You don't need anybody who allows you to spiral downwards, because the people who love you will always want the best for you to see you smile. Even when they know you're wrong and being stubborn, instead of getting annoyed or irritated; they'll tell you like it is, but if they KNOW that's what truly makes you happy, they'll be your backbone and support system that will never shake no matter what.

That is when you know you've found the perfect friend(s).

And honestly it's not that hard to find that friend, if you can be that said person yourself.

We need to always see the good in people. Because we're all equal parts good and bad.
But it makes things so much better if we try to understand the reasons people do what they do, or say what they say. Just because your opinions are different, doesn't make either any less valid than the other.

You are beautiful, you are special, and you are unique, so comparing yourself to anybody else,
or focusing on their strengths and emphasizing your weakness is just gonna hamper the rainbow that is in you.

Don't let anyone tell you you're not the red skittle in a bag of rainbows or the pink power ranger, if that's what you choose to be.
Never be bullied into silence, never think that your opinions don't matter.
You are not a shadow, you are that unique individual, the strong sperm that won.

You are special and you can be whoever you want to be.
The only person that should challenge you is yourself, and how you can better improve your OWN strengths to be the best version of yourself that you can possibly be.
You exist, and you're alive. That in itself is something to be thankful for already.

And when you feel low,
Always remember,

You are important.
You matter.

And always know that somebody out there will always love you no matter what you decide to do with your life.

You are loved.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Who's Your Ride or Die?

Hello.
It's me again.


I'm a little rusty at writing and this may not be my best piece, but I have been thinking about something.

I know that I usually say that I am my own person, with my own morals and principles. I don't usually put too much weight on what people think to make my own decisions because as long as what I'm doing feels right to me and it makes me happy, I think I'm set.

As I get older and see more of the world, I tend to overlook all the other people who's been there in my life from way back when. The ones who used to be my closest friends, my confidantes and the ones that I know will always have my back even as time and distance separates us.

It only took one question to make me rethink everything.
"What's in the future for you? Where do you plan to settle down?"
I know this is unrelated to that question, but it made me contemplate my whole life WHAT exactly it was that's most important in my life.
Was it love? A united family? Lots of money? Friendships that last a lifetime? A plausible career?

Now while all the social interactions listed above go hand in hand, but there's bound to be one that's most important to everyone.

And for me (sorry Mom I love you!), but it's the friendships that I have.

Now before you think I'm being irrational (since blood is thicker than water, love keeps you alive, money gains you power and your job is what stays with you forever etc), hear me out.

Being in my 20s, I've accumulated a great deal of friends from everywhere. Here, 8000 miles away, from school, the little tutoring center I used to frequent, college, work. There are friends I talk to everyday, friends I have only because its convenient, friends I love but have stopped talking to due to time constraint and distance and let's face it, it gets harder and harder to keep friends when life and priorities get in the way.

But let me ask you this.

Who are your REAL friends?

While we all have friends that can be there for us rain or shine, the ones we see everyday and may be part of our daily routine (or as I'd like to call it- the "convenient" friends), only you can decide who actually means the most to you.

I want you to think of a friend. Any friend. Let's imagine the same friend moved to a different country, would you still be close friends? Would their opinions still mean something to you? When you have something you need to let off your chest, does talking to them uplift your spirits and at least make you decide what to do with a bit more clarity (no biasness, no judgement)?

A true best friend is the one with whom you can meet up with after years of not talking and instead of simply "catching up" and updating them on your lives, it's so easy to hold a conversation and before you know it, it's like nothing's ever changed.

They still vividly remember your irrational love for chicken rice, the things you always shout when you get on a road rage and how you break out into a mini rave in your car just 5 minutes after, how you poke holes into your egg yolk to make sure the soy sauce soaks through, that's-what-she-said inside jokes that never get old, how you love your men with sideswept bangs, to the way you let out a little giggle before or after every sentence.

They're the ones who know your most disgusting habits and instead of judge you for it, they encourage you that yes, you do deserve to sneak out of your parents' house on a weekday night when you're heartbroken and feeling lost and yes, burping out loud and breaking out into a musical at an Apple store is very necessary :)


They still know what makes you laugh, what makes you tick, how to push all your buttons and remember the tiniest little details that make you, well, you- despite how much older you've grown or all the new experiences you now have.

Because let's be honest, do we ever feel ourselves changing? We're all the same people, just with new environments and priorities. But it doesn't mean we're not the same people on the inside.

And when life gets hard, who are your numero uno people to go to for moral support? The ones who you know will have your back no matter how far time and distance separates you? The ones who truly know what's best for you?

The best friendships do not always come easy. I'm guilty of having my own little bubble and misleading people into thinking they mean more to me than they really do, but as I like to say, the ones who persist and manage to get in my bubble are the friends I trust for life. They're the ones who I'll always look up to and love no matter how far life takes me. This is why to impress me, you gotta make sure my friends love you first ;)

Friendships also take maintenance. It's easy to take them for granted once life gives you new priorities and things to worry about, but I'm the type of person who'd rather save my friends than save money because at the end of the day, everything we do in life is to be happy. And while money can't buy happiness, my best friends make me richer than everybody else.


And this is why, my handful of significant best friends will always be my top priority. More than my lover, more than money, more than school. As I mention this, can you think of your friends who are now basically family?

Who are your ride or dies? 

I have found mine, and I hope that you have too.

And to my best friends, whether I've posted a picture of you here or not,
I love you. Thank you for being in my life and making this cruel beautiful world just that much easier to live in.

xoxo
Syara

Sunday, November 30, 2014

What Are You Really In Love With?



We have all been in love with what could be instead of what exists right in front of us. It’s a hard concept for some of us to realize and sometimes, it is even tougher to let go of that concept because it becomes so real in our lives.

In my last relationship, I never realized the type of love my boyfriend and I really had. I thought we had the passion — that connection everyone dreams to have —, but looking back, I realize that false image was holding me onto a love that was not fulfilling my needs. I was in love with what could be instead of what really was.

I loved the idea of what we could be because my boyfriend sometimes revealed small glimpses of an amazing potential relationship, even though about 80 percent of the time, it was not a positive experience. I fell in love with the idea of those glimpses. I imagined that if he just did this or if he just changed that, everything would align and be perfect.

Two years later, I found myself still in love with those ideas, with more and more tears because it never became what could have been.

I told my friends about the simple things he did to show he cared. Since they were rare, when they happened, I wanted to prove that I had a great guy, regardless of what they thought. In reality, those little things should have happened regardless; they should not have been rare.

In a way, I was trying to prove that my friends were wrong about my boyfriend and simultaneously convince myself that I was right about him, too. I was trying to justify staying with a guy I loved, despite the fact that he only showed that he loved me part-time.

If you ever find yourself justifying your man’s actions or not wanting to share the truth about things he has said or done, chances are, you are in love with his could-bes. If you cling to every good thing he does until he does something else nice or brag-worthy, chances are you are in love with the “could be.”

I think that at least at one point in our lives, we all find a connection with someone who makes us feel something special, so we stay. But, we stay for all the wrong reasons and sometimes, it is only because of what could have been.

When we love someone, it is so easy for us to ignore what is missing and hold on to what is there or what could be there. It is our nature to want to see the best in people, and being in a relationship is no different. In fact, relationships may make that natural response even worse.

The love of what could have been is something that blindsides so many of us. You will not understand this concept until you finally realize one day that maybe, what you have been dealing with is just not for you anymore.

This is hard to realize because in the presence of intermittent “good stuff,” it can feel like a premature failure. You truly believe that if you hang on a little longer, all those could-bes will become real life. Then, another year passes by without any change. When do you decide to stop? When does reality finally outweigh the could-bes?

I, for one, took a long time to realize the difference. It's been a roller coaster ride and I guess I'll never really know when I'll truly overcome the fear of losing someone who I once thought meant the world to me. But maybe time will tell. And maybe, without realizing, with or without him..

I am getting better.

I am… okay.

:)

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Back to Square One



I used to tie this song to you.
I thought I would never have to relate to this song again.
I guess now I'm back to square one.

Yet again.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Konstantine


"It's to dying in another's arms
And why I had to try it
It's to jimmy eat world
And those nights in my car
But this time I'm alone, and I don't see those stars
I'm not your star?
Isn't that what you said"

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Will I Ever Find This?



"I hope you fall in love
With someone who always texts back and never lets 
You fall asleep thinking you’re
Unwanted.
I hope you fall in love with someone
Who holds your hand during the scary parts of
Horror movies and burns
Cookies with you when you’re 
Too busy dancing around the
Kitchen.
I hope you fall in love with
Someone who sees galaxies in your eyes
And hears music in your
Heartbeats.
I hope you fall in love with someone who
Tickles you and makes you smile
On hard days and on easy
Ones.
But beyond all that I hope
You fall in love with someone
Who will never leave you behind
And who will never take you
For granted, someone who
Will stand by you when you’re
Right and stand by you
When you’re wrong,
Someone who has seen you at your worst
And has loved you 
Still.
I hope you fall in love
With someone who
Kisses you in the rain
And hugs you in the cold and
Wouldn’t have you any other
Way."